When we were kids...

Don't you wish, sometimes, that we were kids again? No major responsibilities, other than usually taking care of pets or doing some sort of chores or homework. Our parents told us what to do and we listened for the most part. We didn't have to make the decisions. We didn't have to weigh out the pros and cons of our paths. We just followed along and knew that our parents knew best.

Life is tough. Growing up isn't as cracked up as I thought it would be. You have to make hard decisions and trust that what you are doing is going to be the way you do it, no matter what the consequences. I have never been someone who can make a split second decision. I usually have to ponder on it, weigh out the pros and cons, think about every possible scenario (good and bad), take a poll from people that I trust who make good decisions, and then finally come to the deciding factor. Life doesn't always let you do that though. No matter how hard I try, I can't control every aspect of my life. It's funny that I am a nurse, because with being a nurse you need to make those quick, life or death decisions where you don't always have a panel to get information from. Why God wanted me to be a nurse, I have no idea. Sometimes I hate it. I hate that I can't do everything that I want to do in a 12 hour shift; I hate that I can't do more for my patients; I hate that I'm stretched so thin that I barely have enough time to accomplish the necessary functions of life for myself (eating, going to the bathroom, etc.); I hate that I will never know everything that I need to know to get through the day at a hospital. I thought being a nurse would get easier the more experience I had and the more comfortable I became on a particular unit. I'm beginning to realize that I may never be comfortable. I see so many people who are just as stressed as I am with years and years more experience than I have. Is this what I have to look forward to? I know there are the patients that make my day a little easier and the ones that I have a special place in my heart for, but is it worth it all the other time to make myself sick before work, to be so upset when something goes wrong, to not be able to sleep the night before because I am so nervous on what could be, to be so stressed out at work with all that's going on around me I can barely think straight? I'm sure other people have felt the way I've felt, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I know that I need to press through the tough times to make it worth while, but I'm not really seeing any light at the end of the tunnel here. I long for a job that isn't necessarily easy, but one that comes second nature to me--that I don't struggle with every second I'm there. But, then I would probably get bored and always be striving for more.

I realize that life isn't going to slow down, no matter how hard I wish it would. With that being said, Brent and I are looking for a house, which is another big life altering decision. I don't even want to imagine how I'm going to feel when we have pets and children in our lives as well. Does it get easier the more decisions you make? I guess I will just keep telling myself that. I know that I need to fully depend on God and that he has my whole life figured out, but sometimes I wish the decisions were already made and I had an arrow pointing me in the right direction. If I knew that God wanted me to be a nurse, then I would do it. I would tough it out and suck it up and make the best of it. I suppose I should probably just do that anyway. It'll make the ride more enjoyable.

I need to have the mindset of a child. God is my ultimate decision maker. He is going to lead me in the right direction on where to go and what to do. He will take care of me, just like my parents did. He knows what is best. I need to trust in Him for everything, and life will figure itself out.

I've been reading a book called A Positive Plan for Creating More Calm, Less Stress by Karol Ladd. There is a poem in it that I have been trying to keep in mind when I get crazy stressed and worried:

"Said the robin to the sparrow,

'I really do not know

Why it is these human beings

Rush about and worry so.'

Said the sparrow to the robin,

'I think that it must be

That they have no Heavenly Father,

Such as cares for you and me.'"

It's kind of silly, but I love it. God takes care of everything, even the birds of the air and the lilies of the field. He doesn't let anything fend for itself--everything has a perfect and beautiful plan. Why can't I get my head around that? He will take care of you and me--I need to focus on my blesses and not the burdens of this world. I need to set myself apart from the world because I have JESUS!! And that's all that matters in the end :)

More Changes

From my previous posts, I had been alluding/stating a potential relocation to Nashville, Tennessee. Well, folks, that plan has no longer an option for a few weeks now. I had been trying to be positive about it, because I knew that would be the best way for Brent to get a teaching job and I would have some great opportunities for nursing, but it wasn't settling right in my spirit. I kept thinking about all of the things we would be missing out on with family and the whole process of moving and relocating and the fact that we would be leaving an area that desperately needs our help--it just seemed like a lot of issues for no guarantee of Brent getting a job. We had plans of going down to Tennessee the first weekend of May for a teaching job fair. But, the weekend before we were going to go down, Keri and Jeremiah told us that they were moving back to Michigan asap. This news had Brent and I take a step back for a second and re-evaluate if we would want to be doing the same thing after we got down there. After a few discussions, we have now decided to stay and make the best of what we can here in Michigan. We are going to exhaust all options for Brent to get a job in the Saginaw area and if God wants us to stay here, a job will open up for him. After we made the decision to stay, I felt like a heavy load had been lifted off of my shoulders and I was at ease about the future and what we were doing. I know Saginaw/Flint isn't the greatest place to be in the US, but this area needs our help more than any other. I have had a passion to help make Saginaw/Flint a better place for awhile, but have no idea how to get it started. I have complained enough about how bad the crime is and how bad our economy is. Instead of complaining, I need to do something about it. Hopefully I can figure out exactly what that is and how I will be going about doing that soon. I've really been pressing hard into spending quality time with God and hoping that he will reveal those answers to me. It's all in his perfect and precious timing now. I just need to be obedient and wait and listen.